Sometimes you hang out in a bar and you see a group of people (usually a pair) and you maybe want to ask only one of them for their number.
How do you go on about this?
I always feel kind of weird, because if I were to hang out with a friend and somebody were to randomly ask them out specifically, surely I’ll be happy for them, but especially if this were a regular reoccurrence my own self esteem would probably take a hit from that. I don’t want to put somebody else through that.
Nowadays nobody ever goes out alone, especially not in bars. And if they do, they’re usually not in an approachable state. In general there seem to be less and less appropriate places or moments to approach people. Isolating somebody or waiting for them to be alone also feels borderline predatory. I know that it became nigh-impossible for relationships to naturally form out of nowhere, but I really don’t want to resort to dating apps or something of that matter.
Also, what if you’re maybe interested in both people. You can’t just ask “And what about you, are you interested too?” That’d just be awfull for everyone. But maybe you would’ve had a better response if you would’be asked the other person first and now you’ll never find out.
I really hate to be somebody who excludes people especially in a conversation but this seems to be the only area were this is actualy unavoidable.
I walked up to two women at a bar and asked for a number. She said she wouldn’t give her number out to a stranger without knowing them. I offered to talk with her and said my friend could chat with her friend so she wouldn’t be rude to her friend. My buddy has a great personality, is married, has kids, isn’t the least bit threatening.
After chatting for between five and ten minutes, she gave me her number. When I texted her to follow up she declined a date but praised the real-world pursuit rather than online. I lost on that one, but I also succeeded in charming her enough to give me her number. Helps to have a great wingman.
i’m going to add something that isn’t really visited a lot in this context: how gay culture deals with this
i find gay men are often a lot more open with this kind of thing than the straight world. we’re quite a bit more promiscuous, kiss each other on dance floors right after meeting, etc. we have a lot more non-verbal cues that imply consent too…
mutual glances and grins across a dance floor leads to moving closer, compliment them on their clothes/hairstyle/etc, that might lead to more questions about where they got it, conversation with their friends - kinda join their group for a bit and then nobody is left out… we tend to ask for socials rather than a phone number: phone number implies date, socials is just “you’re cool” so nobody is upset: they can all give you socials and worst case you have a few new friends
that said, in gay culture you’re equally likely to just go straight from that to back home with them because we place more importance on doing what’s fun rather than needing to worry so much about if the guy is safe to be alone with - we have grindr etc after all
There is only one solution to this problem, and you are going to hate it: small talk.
When you approach a group of people, start by asking, “May I join you?” Then, tell someone you like something about their hat or you know something about the logo on their shirt. Do you know who’s playing on the screen? How are they doing this season? I’m not a sports fan either. What are you drinking? Is that brewery around here? I heard they use twice the hops. A buncha bullshit like that. Doesn’t matter. Be friendly and talk about bullshit. Call it being a tactical introvert if that makes you feel better.
If you don’t know one of them, ask their name. Repeat it back to them. “Good to meet you, X”. You might forget. That’s fine or even good. Ask them again. They probably forgot yours too. I use this as an opportunity to make a joke “You forgot my name!” “You forgot mine too!” “At least I cared enough to ask!”. People care that you try. Especially if they have a difficult to pronounce name or aren’t from your country. Don’t give up like everyone else.
Join whatever actual conversation they are having or ask what they are talking about. Listen. Drop a one liner. Make small contributions. When presented the opportunity, ask the person you are interested in a question related to, tangent to, or even better about their contribution to the conversation. It is at this point where conversations split naturally anyway. Switch seats or go somewhere else to keep talking 1 on 1.
Eh this feels manipulative and they might notice that. Feels like pick-up artist shit because you arent actually interested in the conversation or the other people and you’re just faking it because your already established intention is to talk to one person specifically, for romantic/sexual reasons
Nah. AFAIK pickup “artists” try to manipulate negatives like low self-esteem and jealousy. While some understanding of human psychology is helpful for those learning how to improve their social skills, this is barely even that. The comment is like the absolute basics of talking to strangers.
Maybe for you, but I don’t appreciate when people lead me on like that, especially intentionally.
How would you suggest someone approach strangers? Not at all? Come right in and express physical attraction? Most people like to have some low-stakes interaction (small talk) to gauge the “vibes”. Any party is free at any point to decline to continue.
I believe in direct communication, as opposed to playing games. Maybe that’s why I don’t go to a lot of parties or bars etc. it’s hard to talk when there’s so much going on. I have a lot of sensitivity to sensory overwhelm so that doesn’t help. I don’t believe in “small talk” as you’re using it here, I.e. to mean talking for the sake of talking and not about what you actually want to talk about. You’re right that it’s low stakes but it’s basically a mini lie, and I also value vulnerability and emotional honesty very highly.
It’s good that you know what you desire and value. It might help you to understand that many (most?) people do not consider small talk to be dishonest in any way. Think of it like this: I see someone who sparks my interest and I want to get to know them better. Let’s say I walk straight up to them and say “I saw you and you sparked my interest, and I’d like to get to know you better.” OK, well what comes next? How do you get to know someone (total stranger) better? It’s going to involve talking about random stuff until (hopefully) you both end up feeling comfortable with each other. The other thing is about that first part (“I saw you/wanna get to know you”) is heavily implied by you walking over and saying hello.
Let’s say I walk straight up to them and say “I saw you and you sparked my interest, and I’d like to get to know you better.”
Except that’s not what we’re talking about, this piece of advice specifically advises that you hide your intentions.
OK, well what comes next? How do you get to know someone (total stranger) better? It’s going to involve talking about random stuff until (hopefully) you both end up feeling comfortable with each other.
I don’t know about you but I don’t talk about “random stuff”, I talk about things that are important to me and that I actually want to talk about, because that will actually tell me if i feel comfortable with someone and I want to get to know them better.
The other thing is about that first part (“I saw you/wanna get to know you”) is heavily implied by you walking over and saying hello.
Actually it’s not, because in the situation we’re actually talking about you’re approaching a group of people and pretending to be interested in what they’re talking about until you get “an in” with the person you’re actually interested in. That’s lying.
I never said anything about romance. Read it again.
Read the title of the post 🙄
If something is broadly applicable doesn’t that mean it can apply to several specific situations?
Are you hitting up on someone at a pub/bar? Just initiate conversation and focus on the person you want. You can exchange details with both and then follow up with your interest. And if you like both and A doesn’t engage, you now have B too.
The only solution here is to arrange all the furniture in a circle, with everyone of the specific group in the middle. Break a pool cue in half and toss it in. The one who survives will be worthy of your attention.
What if they break the furniture, and furnish more weapons to take down their sole oppressor. Would the insurance cover that?
If there’s a group of two and one is of interest then you should approach a bouncer and have the person of no interest removed.
This is the way.
Talk to all of them but at some point start to focus more attention on the one you like. Bonus points if you show interest based on something they said, not just how they look. Find a common interest or something.
