This isn’t the place to post but maybe I am wrong.

I studied humans and psychology. I made sense of things and I became capable of protecting my interest. Note that one can’t protect his interest if he is not capable of being violent like a lawyer or a cartel member.

My family members were bad humans, or at least were bad to me because I was in a weaker position. You can say all people are the same. Maybe. Maybe not. What matters is that I PROBABLY avoid human connections because my family members are my frame of reference related to humans. So I want to make some friends to change my frame of reference. Part of me doesn’t want to make friends as you must understand by now, but if I had some human connections, my qualify of life would be higher.

Honestly, part of me wants nothing to do with people. For example, I somehow ghosted kind of a new friend after we met a few times. I think I was just avoiding human connections. We both lift, travel, invest similarly. We met through a hobby. He’s a pretty good dude. I see no reason to not have him in my life (he’s a positive, supportive, nice, mentally healthy, productive normal dude) but I just quit talking. It kinda felt weird to text almost every other day for months tho. I can talk to him again and explain, but he moved away and we’d meet once every few years maybe, so I feel there’s no point.

To me, deep down, human connections only really make sense with women because I am attracted to attractive women. I don’t really need lack of friends deep down. But like I said, human connections, some good friends, would significantly increase my quality of life.

Here’s an example of how human connection works with women I find attractive. This is a dramatic example. Things got dramatic with her because we do the same hobby which require us to be physically close and she acted just too happy about me which caught me off guard. Normally, I don’t have to be that close, so I feel more relaxed, more in control and things happen more slowly. In Aug, an attractive woman acted genuinely open to everything related to me. That was the first time someone was fuck yes to me like that in person. I can’t imagine a bigger yes in terms of how one’s face and energy. At the time, I took a step backwards and probably made her feel rejected. At the time, I was feeling like I don’t want to give her false hope because she was looking at me too happily… But she’s objectively attractive and flirting a bit is not equal to marrying someone. Then some mixed signals happened, then one day I felt like she’ll always like me, and she seemed like a silly kid, then next day I left that area. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I did. I returned in Sep to clarify things with her. Clarification meant proceeding. My body was shaking. I thought body shaking meant I should leave because I was at my limit. I left but I returned next week because my purpose was to do my best to NOT AVOID. I found a way to be calm by pressing on “I am a primate” mental button. At one point, I tried to say I like you to her face and I couldn’t. I think she might have cried a bit. I couldn’t see her face because she kinda hid it. Eventually, in Oct, I made her say no to me and I left. I don’t know if she meant no. She probably didn’t mean it because she never gave me no despite me saying she can say no. I just wanted a no so I can move on and I pushed her boundary a bit to get an answer. Then after 3 months from her fuck yes, I tried to clarify things online (she hates online interaction, she prefers in person). She didn’t say anything. I could see her in person but I didn’t. I gotta be ready to go all the way if I am gonna see her again because I don’t want to torment her with my avoidance. I tried to work on my problem with other women but it’s not over yet. Also I don’t know if I want someone who wants me that much. It appears dangerous.

I don’t know why my body was shaking when I was there to clarify things with her. I am comfortable with rejection so it’s the other thing. MAYBE I have trauma and it gets triggered when I feel a strong human connection is approaching. I don’t know yet.

Similar things with happened with other women after her and before her. A girl asked me if I push away women when they get closer in 2016.

I used various excuses to avoid women ever since I was a kid. Religion, studies, “I’m not fit enough”. I realized this in therapy.

Back to topic, human connections would increase my quality of life. So I should have them. I need human connections with good humans or humans who are good to me, so I can naturally want to have human connections. Any advice?