It follows that somewhere out there, someone is numbering them.

For a second I thought this was Gary Larson’s vision of his life if the cartoon didn’t pan out.

but this is just purely metaphysical.

But there really is an interference pattern. Whatever is happening is physical, not metaphysical, and is happening “through” or “because of” both slits at the same time.

Unless you’re trying to argue that the statistical behavior of electrons is somehow decoupled from the behavior or each individual electron, which would seem to me to be a very odd metaphysical position.

You’re wrong, it’s definitely going through both slits at the same time, but it’s not an electron at that time.